Hard to Breathe

I know now that you had lied to me,

When you said that I shine like a star

And I appeared perfectly healed,

Despite on my heart, you could see a scar.

You cuddled me when I was alone,

And I melted in that warmth.

But when I got so used to of you,

You pushed me away to face the storm.

Whenever you wiped away my tears,

I felt that you would never leave me.

And when the mist hindered my vision,

You promised that you'll give me your eyes to see.

You always made me believe,

That I hadn't been sick for ever.

You coughed your spirits into me,

So that I revive myself and get better.

And your every effort paid well,

I could see myself changed.

I didn't feel myself dissolving in the pure water,

Whenever I stood still to relish the rain.

I wanted to hug you tight,

For whatever you did to me.

But you were not there this time,

To taste a piece of my glee.

I searched for you madly,

But I couldn't find you.

I asked every person of this Earth,

The destination of the girl who made me all new.

They never told me anything,

And simply dismissed my requests.

They said I was a rude person,

Who deserves to be love bereft.

It was then I came to realise,

That you had made me rough.

I was no longer kind or altruistic,

The love you gave me was a bluff.

You changed me for worse,

By weaving me in your charm.

And then you came in front of me,

Grinning wildly at my harm.

I turned back and ran as fast as I could,

While my tears marked the trail.

The betrayal you gave me so simply,

Sucked my life and made me frail.

Today when I look into the mirror,

I find my soul watching me from the other side.

I'm not myself anymore,

Behind an opaque hindrance I hide.

I've tried shattering that mirror,

And put together those sharp pieces of my soul.

But however earnestly I've tried,

I've failed to achieve my goal.

My every touch wounds my skin,

And I profusely bleed.

I cannot feel any breath of my soul,

Which makes it harder for me to breathe.

Meaningless Tears

Every new day brings for me another gloom.

Every new face I see makes me believe that I'm a lune.

Every new hope I conceive dies the next second

And this didn't happen today- it has always happened.

So much uneasiness forced me to change the way I see the world

And ordered me to ponder upon all those words which I absent-mindedly hurled.

So I started re-shaping my mental contour to fit into the likes of all

I buried my ire forever into the cold ground during the snowfall.

I learnt to ignore all those things which were enough to get me mad

I even tried to shower honey onto everybody I see and not be bad.

I relaxed in my pursuit of seeking all the time everything which is finer,

And accepted everybody as they were and not make anything shinier.

But, there was one thing in me which I refused to change

And that was that I hated anybody breaking my trust.

I felt that it was only faith which strengthened a friendship

Keeping a friend's promise was a must!

Irony is that whenever I trust somebody I love very much

Breaks brutally the faith I have in him by selling his promise as such

To another person without caring if I would mind it or not

Without thinking that this gesture could hurt me a lot..

I have no idea how to respond to such a saddening situation

When such dear friends can expose my secrets without a hesitation.

And when I complain against their action in a firm voice

They simply say that it was necessary to share it and they had no choice!

I'm getting weaker by trying continuously to change my outlook

I feel as if I'm hanging over a hungry fire with the support of a cotton hook.

My body is blistered by these flames which are ready to devour me

But my heart feels cold due the trapped spirits of my dead glee.

My eyes are filled with tears and my heart protests in anguish

What do I want and what I don't my brain cannot distinguish.

I don't know if I should trust a face which appears genial and sublime

I'm tired keeping all the things I wish to share to myself every time.

Nobody cares about my feelings and to my desires nobody gives an ear

I'm always made a fun of, whenever my eyes produce a tiny tear.

All such actions of my friends puncture my covering which I had again built

And to make the matters worst, they deny that they were ever at guilt.

I'm breaking down slowly unable to bear any more betrayal by anyone

Of all the experiences I had, I deduce that it is always better not to face the sun.

I'm tired of turning the hourglass again and again, waiting for a time to come

When I don't find myself deceited and my heart never again turns numb.

I cannot withstand any more difficulty and I want to get out of of all this

I feel as if I'm struggling since eternity trying to make my life a bliss.

Today, I'm tired of fighting this battle in which I will overpower my old fears.

When will that time come when people find some meaning in my otherwise meaningless tears?

When I see you with him

It brings a tear in my eye

And my throat gets choked.

It rips my soul apart

After murdering my hopes.

It wounds my heart

It shatters my dreams.

It cuts me into pieces

My bleeding body screams.

It kills me inside

And my life is lost.

It forces me to stand

Naked in the frost.

It pours in me the chill

Which bites my broken bones.

Blood clots in my veins

While I shiver alone.

It makes me paralysed

I cannot move a limb.

It all happens simultaneously

When I see you with him.

It makes me feel betrayed

When you caress his hair.

I am completely helpless

I can do nothing but stare.

It inflicts scars on my heart

It devastates my wishes.

It slashes my moaning spirit

The flame of optimism extinguishes.

It pierces my mind

I can barely think.

It replaces the ground with an ocean

In which I slowly sink.

It corrodes my strength

It tatters my skin.

Then despair rains over me

As I know I cannot win.

It sucks all of my life

It makes me completely grim.

I cannot pause my breakdown

When I see you with him.

Life vs. Death

A little joke cleared it all

It finally pushed me into the fall.

I know that I was never worthy to live,

Then why everybody reminds me of it,

And makes my dim realisations olive?

In these sixteen years which I've lived,

I've only seen people who wanted to get rid

Of me. My very appearance affronts them

And even my little laugh causes them pain.

Everybody hates me so much

That this very thought makes me uncomfortable.

I did nothing good in my life

Instead, I made everyone else's life unbearable.

This hatred has weakened me too

I cannot face anybody for long.

And when there is a rush of people,

I even forget how to look strong.

My veins start burning when I see them

And it feels that at any time they can burst.

I wish I wasn't able to see and hear them clearly

As it makes my moaning soul suffer the worst.

But I know that it's in my hand to make them all happy

I just have to accept to willingly die.

In this way, I will do everybody I know, something good

It's always better not to live in a lie.

I'm sure that my death will make people happier

Than my life did to them.

Everything then would be so much easier

As everybody would emerge out of the mayhem.

Many people have even told me on my face

That they don't want to see me alive.

And I cannot survive in this world incognito

As the smell of my decaying soul they'll recognise.

So my desire to live is fading fast

Any day I will surrender.

I don't wish to live in such a world,

Where my every interference causes blunders.

I also don't have any energy left to stand upright

I'm tired shielding my eyes from the outside world which shines so bright.

I just want to lie peacefully into infinite sleep for ever

And escape this everyday torture which to me, this world handed over.

Unspoken Words

So many people I see

Talking nicely, strangely but happily.

I reach to them in one go

But they scatter on my approach, blaming my bright ego.

I try to be nice, I am nice

But nobody finds my niceness suffice.

I always take care of not hurting anybody,

But in this attempt I hurt everybody.

I weigh my words and then utter what I'm thinking,

And in the process I at time do rapid blinking.

But how does it show that I'm showering sarcasm?

Why my each thought-well-before-said word causes spasm?

Sadly, the best of my friends also find me rude always.

They say that I'm becoming worse with passing days.

I've tried so much to change myself so that nobody dislikes me

But it hasn't helped as my smile still extinguishes the flame of glee.

My every friendly action is rejected by all,

And nobody ever picks up my call.

I'm unaware why the dust of loneliness always arrives to dirty me?

Why in this vast world it's only I whom it can see?

Sometimes the situations get so out of control

That I curse the Lord for giving me a living soul.

I never understand why my grief produces no sound

While I run desperately for finding love on this thorned ground.

I've failed to fight the solitude without any help,

I've lost my voice to express myself; now I can only yelp.

So much neglection has damaged my under-protected hope

Nothing can change now, nothing, as much as I know.

I can feel myself disintegrating slowly into small bits

All the energy within me is drifting away from those open slits

Covering every inch of my decaying body, into the polluted air.

And I'm helpless unable to attract my disappearing flare.

The darkness has swallowed the protests of my soul.

The cold silence has hushed down the pain from my moan.

And the acid in the eyes of those who wish to see me dead

Has dissolved all the conscious portion of my burning head.

The world is ending for me and it is ending fast,

I'm lagging behind in the efforts of emerging out of the last.

But now I've decided to give in and not resent any blow

While the petals of my spirits are flying towards the biting snow.

I wanted to say a lot of things to many people before dying

Even though I knew that all of them would think that I'm lying.

But now it's more than late for those unspoken words to enter this world

Which quietened me forever and didn't care even if I died unheard.

A Little Story

He believed that he was the saddest soul on this Earth,

Who was completely useless, uncanny and not worth -

Of receiving any good, joy, gifts or mirth

And everything referring to love in his life was in dearth.

Everybody looked upon him with a pronounced irritation

They even abused him and these abuses were always on elevation.

The boy was never able to figure out what his mistake was -

Why he often suffered insults and the subsequent image-loss?

Let me take you all today to his past,

To Grade First, when that boy was no last-

To smile, giggle, play, dance, and chuckle

Nobody disliked him - this fact seems a miracle!

On the very first day, he fell in love with his English teacher

His heart was so pure and clear, a poor creature!

He felt broken when he realised their age difference,

This was his first heart-break, so I just made a little reference.

He noticed a girl in his class,

Who appeared different- confident and crass.

His attention always revolved around her

And whenever their eyes met, she would give a blissful smirk.

Within no time, they became friends,

They walked together, hand in hand, wherever they went.

The world stared them hungrily whenever they moved this way,

But they never paid any attention; they just remained close and gay.

Once, when his school got over,

The boy hurriedly grabbed her water-bottle and ran away with a laughter.

He was sure that the girl would come running after him,

And this entire scene would generate so much fun.

He was bewildered when she did not come,

He waited for her sometime but his expectation was rendered undone.

He left her bottle there on the ground, where he stood confused,

As, to carry her bottle home with himself, his mind refused.

That evening her mother called him up,

There was an urgency in her tone when she asked him what he had done to her.

She had been crying the whole afternoon beyond control

And her favourite water-bottle was also missing, on the whole.

Worried, he rushed to her home like an ideal brother.

After mending the mistake his parents ask them to hug each other.

This was the boy's first hug to a stranger,

And he knew then that their friendship was cemented for ever...

He never knew that for him, she could ever become a danger,

The girl whom he loved so dearly would choose to again become a stranger.

He never dreamt that she would hop around and mock him

And after installing hatred in others she would confront him with a brutal grin.

But he realized this when with passing time she started betraying him

And without any worry, she just allowed to slip coarse abuses for him.

She saturated the ears of all his classmates with profanity very cleverly,

Who never doubted the authenticity of her references and just believed her blindly.

So, eventually, everyone readily started to take part in her ploy,

They displayed intense mockery and criticism for that innocent boy.

The puzzled boy asked her if she had known anything about it, with a moist eye,

She did not answer his question but left him weeping there after saying a blunt goodbye...

This broke their friendship which was meant for eternity.

How could she not reply to him? Didn't she feel pity?

Everything which he would now have to suffer was only because of her,

He could not protest as her indifference softened his voice into a mere whisper.

So, today, you all can see,

That boy is all alone with no happiness or glee.

Every trespasser teases him, abuses him,

And he keeps quiet just to respect that 'friendship' which someday had been.

Eight sad years have slowly passed by,

Still all those moments are fresh in his mind and he bitterly cries.

He has no more strength left that could either enable him to face any more humiliation

Or support his limbs to shut the mouth of everybody with a display of intense aggression.

But, God did send him few people who could support him and call him their 'friend'

And try to cement that crevice which had made all the rods of his faith bend.

" It's too late now to restore anything " , he seldom thinks,

In every past memory he reminisces, his heart sinks.

Today, on top of everything, she comes to him and tries to talk nice.

How could she even hope that their friendship would again blossom from the dust of lies?

His entire body pains and his soul moans whenever she comes near

As her beautiful face was the one which made him live into a world of fear.

This was the discernible outline of his unblessed life -

The life in which he had to only cry, suffer and relentlessly strife.

Now there is no space left in him to accommodate any happiness or glee,

I feel so terrible to admit the truth that, that 'he' is 'me' ...

A MESSAGE TO ALL THE READERS -

It is indeed very difficult for me

To summarize everything that I suffered from in these past ten years.

I can never forget what she did to me even if I long to,

Despite today I've become bolder and I've deracinated all of my fears.

The saddest thing is that she doesn't feel that she has ever done anything wrong,

She only believes that the vibrations which ruined my life were emanated by the placid air hitting the gong.

But I know that the sweet Lord sees us all and He will punish her for her deed,

And I will smile then when she would cry blood trying to find somebody in times of desperate need.