Confessions of a Son

I am trapped in this place
Lacking affection, love and solace.
I had always known that it had never belonged to me
But still I poured oil in the lamp which radiated glee.

Here I am surrounded by strangers
Among whom one is my father.
It is only his face which I find familiar
Otherwise, we both are completely dissimilar.

There is no sign of understanding between us
My every word seems a lie to him; he calls me a liar.
His indifference causes so much fuss
That it intervenes to spark my cold fire.

He yells at my demands
And expects that in return, I'll obey all his commands.
He tries to slit open my privacy whenever he gets a chance,
And if I retaliate, he jumps into a bitter trance.

I lose everytime in the pursuit of getting understood,
And I'm declared rude whenever I try to behave good.
My every good deed is deemed as a selfish intention
Despite having him around me, I feel dejection.

We live under the same roof
And we've been living together since 17 years.
But we are strangers for each other
Living in an environment of uneasiness and fears.

Whenever he inflicts a moist kiss upon my forehead
Burns my skin and instantly it turns red.
There is strong apathy floating in the air around us everytime
Which asks not to pretend that we care for each other - it's a crime.

So much lack of understanding has pushed us apart,
Today, we both know, is too late to make a new start.
Now he cannot ever have a better view of my mind
And when I try to see with his eyes, I feel so blind.

Do I even see the world the same way as he does?
There is so much difference in our opinions.
The thing I approve of is disliked by him
Our thoughts and ideas have never matched atleast once.

With time we're drifting farther away from each other
It has become just too difficult to be together.
There is aggression in the air he exhales when I'm around,
And I ignore if he summons me as if I had never heard his sound.

With time the situations are undoubtedly getting uglier
We just cannot peacefully sit and get the misunderstandings cleared.
I know he wants to talk to me and I wish to forgive him
But if we near each other to fulfil our desires, the air again turns grim.

The Oasis

It seemed that I had been walking forever
Reaching nowhere.
There was only heat, dryness and solitude
Beside the intense despair.

The desert was endless and totally arid,
My throat felt dry.
I decided to drink my tears to quench this thirst
But my eyes refused to cry.

I couldn't feel life in my feet
They were as hard as rock.
But I continued my journey on
As I was still able to walk.

Hazy memories of my past gave me strength
And I left behind one after the other sand-dune.
They produced some impeccable music and asked me
To come and discover the source of that tune.

So I didn't pause in my pursuit at all
Of emerging successfully out of this pain
I ignored that blood which oozed out from my old scars,
I only dreamt of relishing the water of the scented rain.

After walking for several more days,
I saw a lake and lush green trees.
I rejected my vision as an illusion
But then I felt a serene breeze.

Immediately my rough, dry skin softened
And I could feel a pulse.
My thoughts started to become clearer
I remembered why I was in this desert at once.

I went to the lake and studied my reflection
I realized that I had become a stranger for my eyes.
Before I could feel comfortable with my new appearance
I was disturbed by some cheerful noise.

Some kids were playing happily behind me,
Nudging and elbowing each other while they tossed the ball.
I wondered what kind of a desert this was,
There was much too joy for such a dry place to stall.

After reflecting for a few more minutes, I decided to move ahead
I saw a lady twenty yards away, feeding the dogs some crisp bread.
She saw me approaching and at once stood up looking in my direction
I was sure she felt uncomfortable by my clothing and complexion.

But she announced affectionate words of welcome
Which I wasn't used to hearing.
I became sure that it was all a dream, a nightmare,
So much radiations of love stops my healing.

I turned around and started to run,
But this oasis had no bounds.
After shooting glances in all the 8 directions,
I noticed around me were only green grounds.

I started to feel claustrophobic in the open air,
It made me dizzy and I almost fell down -
But two firm hands held me in position,
And unknowingly my face exposed a frown.

That fellow helped me stand and tried to wipe my tear stains,
And declared that I needn't go anywhere.
I fired all the questions which were hovering in my mind
To which he replied with utmost satisfaction and care.

He told me, "The worst is over now,
You needn't wander anymore.
You fought all the miseries which came in your life
And now, nothing more you have to endure."

His remark washed away all my questions at once
I realized that I have reached my goal.
I had finally crossed the desert of despair,
Again, I had found my beautiful soul.

I thanked him and started to walk in the direction of the breeze,
This new knowledge cemented the truth that I was re-born.
While licking the pure air I understood that,
'The darkest hour of night was indeed just before the dawn'.

Happy birthday

When the grey clouds covered my chagrined hopes

And I couldn't find anybody whom I belonged

When I was alone, figuring out why I was even born

I felt a hand upon my shoulder which made me feel strong.

When there was no light in my already faded life

I feared losing myself completely into the dark.

It was then a figure approached me with a smile

Carrying with itself merriness and an unforgettable spark.

I was almost sunken into my fears when it caught my hand

And slowly it started pulling me to safety.

Blinded, I was, and confused too at its gesture,

Because it appeared happy, after saving me, greatly.

It wiped away those permanent tears which my eyes held

And tried to make me stand on my own.

I had forgotten completely how to walk in this world

But it helped me balance myself and said that now I wasn't alone.

It always supported me and never let anything happen

That could make me depressed or cry.

It always thundered happiness into my desert

And rained over me whenever I felt dry.

It always stood like a support beside me

And allowed me to grip it tight if I ever dwindled.

It started storing bulks of dreams into my rusted closet

And separated joys from my sorrows which were complicatedly mingled.

It fought the world for me while I assembled the pieces of my dreams

And shielded me from every rough gale.

I never realised that I had been protected below a big umbrella

While it bleeded due to the attack of the heavy hail.

It made my life so easy and so perfect

It never allowed me to feel any pain.

It cried my tears if I was upset

But never it permitted my stem to turn arcane.

Today, on January 6, I write about her

It is her birthday.

I was blessed when she was born

As she separated me from all my dismay.

I can never thank her enough

No amount of any thing can equal her.

It always makes my heart moist

When I think how much she has sacrificed for me to prosper.

Hard to Breathe

I know now that you had lied to me,

When you said that I shine like a star

And I appeared perfectly healed,

Despite on my heart, you could see a scar.

You cuddled me when I was alone,

And I melted in that warmth.

But when I got so used to of you,

You pushed me away to face the storm.

Whenever you wiped away my tears,

I felt that you would never leave me.

And when the mist hindered my vision,

You promised that you'll give me your eyes to see.

You always made me believe,

That I hadn't been sick for ever.

You coughed your spirits into me,

So that I revive myself and get better.

And your every effort paid well,

I could see myself changed.

I didn't feel myself dissolving in the pure water,

Whenever I stood still to relish the rain.

I wanted to hug you tight,

For whatever you did to me.

But you were not there this time,

To taste a piece of my glee.

I searched for you madly,

But I couldn't find you.

I asked every person of this Earth,

The destination of the girl who made me all new.

They never told me anything,

And simply dismissed my requests.

They said I was a rude person,

Who deserves to be love bereft.

It was then I came to realise,

That you had made me rough.

I was no longer kind or altruistic,

The love you gave me was a bluff.

You changed me for worse,

By weaving me in your charm.

And then you came in front of me,

Grinning wildly at my harm.

I turned back and ran as fast as I could,

While my tears marked the trail.

The betrayal you gave me so simply,

Sucked my life and made me frail.

Today when I look into the mirror,

I find my soul watching me from the other side.

I'm not myself anymore,

Behind an opaque hindrance I hide.

I've tried shattering that mirror,

And put together those sharp pieces of my soul.

But however earnestly I've tried,

I've failed to achieve my goal.

My every touch wounds my skin,

And I profusely bleed.

I cannot feel any breath of my soul,

Which makes it harder for me to breathe.

Meaningless Tears

Every new day brings for me another gloom.

Every new face I see makes me believe that I'm a lune.

Every new hope I conceive dies the next second

And this didn't happen today- it has always happened.

So much uneasiness forced me to change the way I see the world

And ordered me to ponder upon all those words which I absent-mindedly hurled.

So I started re-shaping my mental contour to fit into the likes of all

I buried my ire forever into the cold ground during the snowfall.

I learnt to ignore all those things which were enough to get me mad

I even tried to shower honey onto everybody I see and not be bad.

I relaxed in my pursuit of seeking all the time everything which is finer,

And accepted everybody as they were and not make anything shinier.

But, there was one thing in me which I refused to change

And that was that I hated anybody breaking my trust.

I felt that it was only faith which strengthened a friendship

Keeping a friend's promise was a must!

Irony is that whenever I trust somebody I love very much

Breaks brutally the faith I have in him by selling his promise as such

To another person without caring if I would mind it or not

Without thinking that this gesture could hurt me a lot..

I have no idea how to respond to such a saddening situation

When such dear friends can expose my secrets without a hesitation.

And when I complain against their action in a firm voice

They simply say that it was necessary to share it and they had no choice!

I'm getting weaker by trying continuously to change my outlook

I feel as if I'm hanging over a hungry fire with the support of a cotton hook.

My body is blistered by these flames which are ready to devour me

But my heart feels cold due the trapped spirits of my dead glee.

My eyes are filled with tears and my heart protests in anguish

What do I want and what I don't my brain cannot distinguish.

I don't know if I should trust a face which appears genial and sublime

I'm tired keeping all the things I wish to share to myself every time.

Nobody cares about my feelings and to my desires nobody gives an ear

I'm always made a fun of, whenever my eyes produce a tiny tear.

All such actions of my friends puncture my covering which I had again built

And to make the matters worst, they deny that they were ever at guilt.

I'm breaking down slowly unable to bear any more betrayal by anyone

Of all the experiences I had, I deduce that it is always better not to face the sun.

I'm tired of turning the hourglass again and again, waiting for a time to come

When I don't find myself deceited and my heart never again turns numb.

I cannot withstand any more difficulty and I want to get out of of all this

I feel as if I'm struggling since eternity trying to make my life a bliss.

Today, I'm tired of fighting this battle in which I will overpower my old fears.

When will that time come when people find some meaning in my otherwise meaningless tears?

When I see you with him

It brings a tear in my eye

And my throat gets choked.

It rips my soul apart

After murdering my hopes.

It wounds my heart

It shatters my dreams.

It cuts me into pieces

My bleeding body screams.

It kills me inside

And my life is lost.

It forces me to stand

Naked in the frost.

It pours in me the chill

Which bites my broken bones.

Blood clots in my veins

While I shiver alone.

It makes me paralysed

I cannot move a limb.

It all happens simultaneously

When I see you with him.

It makes me feel betrayed

When you caress his hair.

I am completely helpless

I can do nothing but stare.

It inflicts scars on my heart

It devastates my wishes.

It slashes my moaning spirit

The flame of optimism extinguishes.

It pierces my mind

I can barely think.

It replaces the ground with an ocean

In which I slowly sink.

It corrodes my strength

It tatters my skin.

Then despair rains over me

As I know I cannot win.

It sucks all of my life

It makes me completely grim.

I cannot pause my breakdown

When I see you with him.

Life vs. Death

A little joke cleared it all

It finally pushed me into the fall.

I know that I was never worthy to live,

Then why everybody reminds me of it,

And makes my dim realisations olive?

In these sixteen years which I've lived,

I've only seen people who wanted to get rid

Of me. My very appearance affronts them

And even my little laugh causes them pain.

Everybody hates me so much

That this very thought makes me uncomfortable.

I did nothing good in my life

Instead, I made everyone else's life unbearable.

This hatred has weakened me too

I cannot face anybody for long.

And when there is a rush of people,

I even forget how to look strong.

My veins start burning when I see them

And it feels that at any time they can burst.

I wish I wasn't able to see and hear them clearly

As it makes my moaning soul suffer the worst.

But I know that it's in my hand to make them all happy

I just have to accept to willingly die.

In this way, I will do everybody I know, something good

It's always better not to live in a lie.

I'm sure that my death will make people happier

Than my life did to them.

Everything then would be so much easier

As everybody would emerge out of the mayhem.

Many people have even told me on my face

That they don't want to see me alive.

And I cannot survive in this world incognito

As the smell of my decaying soul they'll recognise.

So my desire to live is fading fast

Any day I will surrender.

I don't wish to live in such a world,

Where my every interference causes blunders.

I also don't have any energy left to stand upright

I'm tired shielding my eyes from the outside world which shines so bright.

I just want to lie peacefully into infinite sleep for ever

And escape this everyday torture which to me, this world handed over.