My eyes say it

I need a needle to slit my eyes so that I'm able to show the real dismay I'm in,
I want blood to drop with my tears to express how much guilt I was able to win!
I was refused once again to submit any of my aspiration in the plethora of dreams,
I was forcefully pushed to lie on a bed on knives to produce some crass screams!

I was pushed away, I was kicked with awe, I was hurt with the weapon of curses,
I was trampled upon; they tried to erase my existence yet again.
I was confused, I was rejected, I tried to be jolly even though I knew I was dying,
I was hated, I was not appreciated, I cried when I was encouraged to cut my vein.

I was asked to choose between a painful life and a comfortable death,
I was asked to cut open my heart and leave this world without taking another breath.
I was compelled to see a jaunty future in the lives of all those who were related to me,
When I would accept to erase my shadow and refuse to ask for a long life in my plea.

I felt aspyxiated when I saw how unlucky my presence is to all of my dear ones,
Because of me, even they had to break the knots which held all their happiness once.
Everytime my presence makes a flashy growing flower bud change into an ugly fern,
And whenever I step into the Church of Joy, I find its divine walls tremble and the offerings burn.

My life has recorded every new start as a tremour of a harsh ending,
Even if fruits grow over the tree of my life, it does not show any bending.
It stands erect, ugly, without any blissful flowers adorning it's chipped bark,
No virtue of nature was able to pluck it out of the excruciating dark.

I feel so distorted; even I cannot fetch myself out from the latent pool of loneliness,
It is almost everytime I come back into this water even if I try to hold some happiness.
The past ruins of my life abrupt the new infrastructure of joy to come in the process of construction,
I'm holding the bricks and the cement but I lack hands that could help me out with affection.

Every passing day pushes me higher into the steps of the ironic Roman Coliseum,
Every new face I see retards me into a more dishonest grave of hurting delirium.
The ecstasy of living into this great sad world has all abolished from me,
And I feel even more morose when I find that now my desert cannot ever enjoy a breeze.

I wait for miracles everyday to come and swirl its wand of magic and help me out,
And tell this world that the songs I sing are melody, not a sample of disgraceful shouts.
If God exists, why does not he come and wipe even a single tear from my agnostic vision?
I believe in holy things, then why do all the clouds of my hope produce noise after every collision?

I've become so secretive and my eyes enigmatical due to the circumstances I live in,
Still they are able to reflect every loss of my life even though my lips are able to grin.
If anyone tries to look through them, he would get me all nude trying to protect myself -
In the tattered sheet of happiness and in some pale rags of more self-confidence.

I have emotions, I feel bad, I feel hurt whenever I see people degrade my esteem,
But, I'm so weak, I cannot respond with vigour or valiance to shield my remaining gleam.
Because of everything, I may look indifferent, arrogant and maybe plastic,
But I cry everyday and all the tormence I endure and the pain I live, my eyes say it...

Apology

I blend all the words of regret into one,
And say it all to you before my eyes run-
Some unworthy, meaningless matter of grief,
Like opaque droplets of dew on a pestilence-stricken leaf.
I never react in the way the situations ask me,
Instead, I mess it all as much as I can see.
There is hardly any method I can adopt to get rid of my behavior,
Why cannot any mortal walk into my life and be my Savior?
Why don’t I mean it when I say, "I didn't mean it!"
Why I lack firmness in my voice and a determination quite grit?
Why I ruin everything when the infrastructure hardens into a palace,
Why I resist whenever my friends try to bring bliss in my life,
Which is something the most I miss?
I know I'm upto no use, I cannot do anything sane,
Still, I want that I should never utter any phrases profane.
It hurts others and later it wounds me the most,
When I realize how much I could worsen the conditions.
It mocks my friends who hold my hand and confidentally boast-
That I'm the one who will help his friends in all situations.
Everytime I break the trust which is put upon me with confidence,
It is regularly that I spit my all frustration in the form of defiance.
I don't blame my friends if they come and slap my ego,
Because I know it's I who has caused the wind to push the first domino.

I just want to say that I'm sorry, yet again.
Forgive me for all those things which fetched you pain.
I am like this, mad & weird, I am upto no good,
I am not worth your tears; I'm not worth your anger.
It's sad for me that my every initiative comes to an end.
Please, you move ahead leaving me here,
Because when I see you trust, your love, your selflessness,
Everyday I realize, I'm not worth being anyone's friend…

I Try, I Fail

I try, I fail.
I toiled hard to become a better person,
I was on the verge of attracting all happiness,
All for myself, but I couldn’t.
Joy changed it’s direction as soon as it saw me,
When I held a glass for collecting the glee.

I try, I fail,
Whenever I stand under the boisterous clouds,
In the hope that they would spell some showers.
I am so mistaken.
The patch I am on is a desert.
And so are my little innocuous dreams,
Dry and infertile, unable to grow into green saplings.

I try, I fail,
Everytime I want to wear my own skin.
But when I was rejected by my kin,
I collapsed into this world full of sins.
There was no perforation in the azure sky,
Through which some sunlight could escape,
And fill light in my unspecial life, draped
In the stubs of meaningless verses.
Everything around brought me obscene curses.

I try, I fail,

Whenever I wish to paint my love.
I thought of holding her hand forever,
But when she came to me by herself,
The circumstances prohibited me
To reach to her heart.
She looked amazed and her eyes were left to dart,
My response in this wordly world
Where I had no belongings.
Today, my rhythmic heart cannot sing.
Today, my hopes have got no wings.

Whenever I try, I fail.
I’m standing infront of the mirror of life.
Where’s my reflection?
I just see layers of mist over it,
When I try to look into it.
My existence is not specified,
My eyes have already cried,
When someone tried to erase my present.
A friend said few words, though hesitant,
I was discouraged.

I try, I fail,
In the pursuit of becoming a jovial man,
And rise up from this satanic world.
Conditions around force me to realize,
I’m different but not special.
I’ve got mettle but I’m not presentable.
I’ve smiles but I’m not cheerful.
I have a complex simplicity.
All this confuses me today,
I ask myself,
Even if I try, not to be pale,
Why do I always fail?

Friendship

Those days have gone when I had no one to wipe my tears of failure,
Which I had shed when everyone forced me to adopt the bitterst discomfiture.
Those days have gone when I had no support to hold whenever I trembled on the path of life,
Which was due to the hatred of every mortal around me who tried to stab me with a sharp knife.

I never found an aid which could relieve the tanned flesh of my uncared wounds,
I had never felt any sensation that could comfort my soul or allow some roses to bloom –
In the graveyard of my dead hopes, with love and some water of divine affection,
And also smoothen the pace of my heart beats and lubricate my life affected by friction.

Today, I breathed a different feeling, a different tingle of comfort soothed me,
When I found that there are some people who, in every condition, would love me.
I could see love brimming up in their eyes when I thanked them for giving me a company,
They were the ones, who came like a storm in my life and filled it with the most charming harmony.

I was always surrounded by the pool of broken glass that tried to hurt my happiness,
I found no one who could change them into some little mirrors that focused all joy towards me.
But, today, I’ve found friends who will be forever with me to fill colours in my dull life,
And surely behave as those mirrors always trying to reflect towards me the most blissful glee.

Today I can say that I’ve got everything in my life and I don’t need anything more,
Friendship is perhaps the best thing created by nature to explore.
It has all ability to heal even the gangrene of loneliness that cannot be easily cured,
And the essence of comfort and the beauty of affection that can be allured.

Friendship is the best gift one can recieve from the sweet Lord,
It can give you all strength to make the horizons of your dreams broad.
I feel so ecstatic to finally find myself wrapped in the most pretty virtue of frindship,
Which is indeed the most special gift I recieved after years of my regular worship.

I love my friends, especially Aishwarya, Apoorv, Smriti, Aashima and Samarth!! You gave me life guys. I live for you. Thanks for everything! I may not be able to repay the love you gifted me. I'm just glad to know you all. I feel the luckiest person on the planet at the moment! :)

Hope

That morning a dead flower sprouted up again into an epitome of beauty,

It regained its colour, unfolded its petals and sent forth a sweet fragrance.

It breathed again and shimmered happiness when it danced with the air,

And naughtily displayed how important was the feel of existence.

The flower reflected the joy shamelessly of winding itself again into the threads of life.

This spark disturbed my eyes when I passed by it sadly after losing another strife.

But the flash of happiness was so effective that it healed the pain which I hid in my heart,

And after watching it for mere few seconds, I forgot that the life I lead was so hard.

I had seen that flower before also, trampled and broken,

But that day I was shocked to see its petals beautifully opened.

It was a sunflower which lived by the sight of the sun,

The sun's heat gave it comfort and during night, all its life it used to shun.

I was amazed to realize that during the happy time, the flower looked bright,

And it closed its petals with the arrival of sad time which, for it, was night.

It allowed only happiness to approach it and reflected that feel in a soothing way,

It always restrained from hugging pain which came after the end of the sunny day.

I felt bemused after I pondered over the conclusion which my thoughts had made,

All that feeling of refusal and anguish stuffed tightly inside me started to fade.

I felt that I only allowed tears to fill my eyes and pain to wound my scratched skin,

I never tried to look beyond suffering and realize that enormous joy even I could win.

The fault lay in me as I never saw those speckles which covered most of my body,

I only wished to find mistakes and blots in the ones who looked different or gaudy.

In this way, I attracted dejection towards myself from all the corners around me,

My behavior was responsible for the pain I endured which no one would ever like to feel.

That sunflower watered those seeds of hope in me which had unwillingly fallen into a sleep,

Its magical water sprouted a life in them who woke up happily and came out from the deep.

I was flavoured by the new aroma of hope which wanted to live forever with me,

It wiped away my tears and dissatisfaction and now all the colours of this world I could see.

I could see the butterflies hovering above me along with those thousand smiling flowers,

And also many birds chirping including that woodpecker striking the tree creating deep scars.

I felt relieved when the cool breeze struck me with infinite love and affection,

Almost immediately I found that I'm becoming unadulterated by the removal of my exasperation.

I plucked that sunflower and few others and kissed it with acceptance,

I decided to gift it to the one who rejected me as I lacked flamboyance.

I was sure that for the first time I was ready to start my life all over again,

And by giving her the token of my affection, I would forget that once I was wane.

I discovered a new person within me, who could see beyond the horizon,

He was the one who would never accept any suffering or express himself with hesitation.

That man had taken birth within me, who had the ability to toss the bad days,

And always find hope in every bad situation that tried to harm him by extending its sway.

I had become the man of determined dreams.

I had become the man unaffected by gleams.

I had become the man having the heat of hundred stars,

I had become the man having healed scars.

It was all because of that sunflower, which looked directly into my eye and saw my heart,

Which said that she rejected me only because she wanted that I should improve for better.

I'm glad I overcame the situation, under which my life had become so hard,

Today, what I can see in front of me is she, her love and my hope which beautifully glitters.

Nobody Understands Me

I crashed on the walls of fear and loneliness everytime I realized that I was upto no good,

And there was no one who could be seen in the mist of hope asking me not to brood -

More pain, more tears and more neglection in the environ of divine love flowing with haste,

There was indeed no one who correctly valued me and assured that I was not a waste.

I was only laughed at when I said that the speckle in the moon was very clear,

My explanation was never heeded, never discussed and to listen to it nobody gave an ear.

My tears had so many meanings, but the one that was interpreted by many was,

I am sad or I'm pretending to have suffered some defeat or an inevitable dearly loss!

I feel that I had been sleeping for many thousand years as no one recognizes me today,

Once I had been popular as whenever I came in front of the people, most of them had something to say.

Time changed, I changed but mostly it were the people around me who drastically changed,

And they always utilised every opportunity to mock me and get me sad and deranged.

I needed someone on whom I could spit my feelings of dejection and some of my fears,

But no one responded to my pleads and I was alone to speak my agony for myself to hear!

There was no 'once in a blue-moon' that attracted any mortal towards me with a peace of understanding,

There was no one who ever tried to console me whenever I cried saying, 'When will some joys my life bring?'

I felt that among the roaring crowd it was only she whose faith in me could never sever,

But she also bid me a 'bye' bluntly despite she knew that good-byes really are forever.

I was awestruck and I continued to stare at her response with my tired eyes on and on,

What stopped me and asked me to pause was when I realised that she was indeed gone.

No one ever tried to peep into me to find out what I felt when I opened my eyes and looked around,

And whenever I was rejected by everybody harshly and mockingly called as a stinking hound.

I was only given advices to change myself in order to survive this harsh world which banished me,

I lacked someone who could feel my pain and understand why it is required to drink a little glee.

At every point of running time I was asked to transform, I was considered at the fault,

My hesitation was asked to be suppressed and only my anger was ordered to come to a halt.

I lacked people who would come and place their hands on my weeping heart crying for help,

I lacked some firm shoulders who could allow my head to rest on them until I restored my real self.

Whenever I tried to argue against anything that harmed my respect in any plausible way,

I was convinced not to indulge myself in any retaliation by expressing what the truth asked me to say.

Sigh! Neither I found a mortal who could bring light in the dark, lonely rooms of the Palace where I lived,

Nor the immortal sun showed any interest to get gleams in my life as always behind the dark clouds it hid!

On every occasion the shout of the circumstances revealed that I'm not amongst all, I'm very different.

And always I was pushed forcefully into a barren garden to lick the dry grass which once was succulent.

Even the park of my life was the same - dry, colorless having dozens of faded flowers and trees,

But the flower of my spirit still had some colours but sadly, it could be uprooted anytime by even a tender breeze.

I had become so weak after living a life of loneliness, grief, tears, remorse and hopelessness,

In the absence of any companions who could try occasionally to fetch me any phenomenal feel of happiness.

I cannot see the future but if it has any good reserved for me, I just wish it is that only one thing I need,

Someone should walk into my life who can understand me and value the each drop of blood that I bleed.

Running Towards the Doom

I am running on the road with no end,
Hoping to kiss that love which I found in a dear friend.
I've passed the houses of the distinguished,
With the flare in my hope unextinguished.

I thought to be myself this time,
When I look straight into your eyes.
I felt now I have pretended enough,
Even my gentle feelings had become rough.

I could have entered into your world quite early,
But I paused by a milestone fearfully.
What it said made me confused,
And I stopped my journey as the message was rude.

It said if I dared to cross it out of affection,
I may end up in the most severe dejection.
I could definitely find my love on the other side,
But it wasn't sure that even she would love me and not be snide.

If I failed to get her, I would not get anyone else,
There would be no gong present to strike my hope-bells.
I may enter into the world of true depression,
Which may stab all my little and innocent aspirations.

I stammered a little and pondered over my decision,
But out of true love I crossed the milestone without a hesitation.
I was so confident that God has not created sadness for me,
He has only created comfort and love in my life and that too not wee.

I started to move ahead humming a sweet tune,
I never realized that this entire scene could look so much lune -
A mad lover walking on the road leading to death,
And thinking that on the other side stood his love waiting holding her breath!

I was unruffled by any kind of pessimistic thoughts,
I was sure that she will come to me overlooking my hundred blots.
I knew that even she loved me and will always do,
Her feelings will definitely not change even if she met anyone new.

It took me a considerable time to find her amidst that mist,
The rose I had carried for her had died and its petals I held in my fist.
I filled with joy when she raised her eyes and looked into mine,
Oh! What a feeling it was! I had never felt so fine!

Then came a guy from behind and stood next to her,
And I saw her beating start startle and slowly fill with spur.
He rested his hand on her shoulder and looked straight into my muddled eyes,
But it was not very late when I realized that I've come out from the world of lies.

The reality released the thunder from the sky and it directly fell on me,
My little eyes cried and my heart bleeded when I fell on my knees.
There were no set of words that could come out of my gaping mouth,
And question her, 'What is this all about?'

I understood that her 'new' man had walked the road, from which I came much early,
And so today he had got a place in her little heart and that too of someone dearly.
I was late. I was late to express my love and except that I lived only for her,
I was too nerd to express with firm mind those three so-called magical words of love.

I could see pity dwelling in her eyes when she saw my condition,
But also she was glad of not having me as her life-long companion.
She had chosen the love of her life in haste and maybe she did right,
As I never accepted that I loved her and never allowed my love to appear bright.

I retraced my steps when the happy couple gazed me with awe,
The rose petals in my hand fell before her, cursing themselves for being flaw.
A tear of mine drenched those petals and buried them in their grave,
And with some words of disgust I ran away from her as I wasn't that brave.

I ran with my full might to protect my bleeding heart from dying down,
And restore my image as today in front of them I exactly looked like a clown.
A trail of fallen tears followed me as they were incapable of making any flower bloom,
And gave me a company when I started to run towards my final doom.

It was she who was the spirit in my body, and who gave me strength,
It was only she who, under every circumstance, was my real friend.
Now when she was no more, I felt like I've lost my life and enthusiasm,
I was definitely not ready to confront that pinching realm.

I wiped my tears as I ran away thinking that now the situations didn't favour me,
Now that dark time which was destined for me had come where I will have no glee.
While I ran, all the time, her face, his face, and my grief above me hovered,
And I accepted that I'm not worth living as for me, the game was over!