I don't belong here

I've been staring at the mirror for too long
I noticed how I appeared to this world
What people could possibly think when they first saw me
And what perception they could develop after our first meet.

My self-deduced result shocked me
Was I too ugly for this world to see?
Couldn't I be more presentable or more clear;
Why my appearance is so loud?

My eyes are deep, I agree
But they aren't filled with substance that pleases
I see mud and salinity overflowing through them
And a fake transparency which atleast I cannot understand.

I look out and watch people,
So engaged in themselves and their friends
I sense an air of friendship and love
And a strong bond of relationship that floats.
Wish I had wings and I could fly amidst this all
And feel the ever unfelt feelings of strong attachment.

Why am I so deprived of everything good?
Can't I get love ever? Will I always stay alone?
Circumstances have erased the word 'expectation' from my lexicon
My hopes and desires are all forcefully shunned.

I could not even get the love of my life
I was broken and still I cannot mend my failure.
With her support I could fight this world,
But when she backed away, I was totally curled.

Her every touch now feels so unspecial
Her every hug suffocates me.
But I'm happy if she does so,
Because then I'll die in the arms of someone I loved.

Why did God bless me with all virtues but did not give my any friends?
Friends are the biggest assets and jewels.
So, I feel, I'm poor and impecunious,
I don't have the basic necessities of survival.

I feel I don't belong here,
I'm so different, so weird to suit the people here.
It’s all my fault if I am stamped 'rejected'.
I wish to die hanging after getting arrested.

The feelings in me are all undefined,
The way I'm living is the most tedious task one can do.
No one can ever impersonate me,
Because no one knows how it feels when you arrange a party without friends,
Go to watch a movie alone,
Walk in the sand with no one to hold you.
No one comes to your Birthday Parties or even calls you to wish a 'happy day',
And you utilize your entire day by staring at the phone helplessly.

This is my life.
The life I'm living since fifteen years.
That's why I prefer to die,
Than to see myself every time in tears.